Managing Stress and Burnout: Ending Self-Sabotage
It's a typical day.
You check and respond to emails. You attend meeting after meeting that doesn't seem to resolve anything. Colleagues are expecting completed work from you. Your manager is demanding where the overdue report is. So many looming, pressing deadlines are in the not-so-distant future. All the while, there is no time for your own work which seems to be piling up.
Sigh...well, you figure that's what weekends are for, right?
Sound familiar?
Unfortunately, it's a tale that is all too familiar, however, the impact is immeasurable:
- Your personal time gets eaten away bit by bit.
- You have no energy to be present with family and friends.
- Self-care goes out the window.
Then, you start seeking comfort in mind-numbing activities – overeating, overdrinking, excessive tv watching, etc.…just to find an escape.
A recent study by Deloitte surveyed 5000 women across different countries and revealed that more than half or 53% of women said they are more stressed than they were a year ago, and 46% reported feeling burnt out. This situation may be compounded by the fact that although there has been some progress made in eliminating the stigma associated with mental health challenges in the workplace, there is still a lot of work to be done. It was also found from the Deloitte study that 33% of the women surveyed have taken time off due to mental health challenges.(1)
As the spectrum of mental health challenges is wide, individual experience varies. It is important to seek the assistance of a medical professional when stress is greatly impairing your quality of life. The concepts discussed in this article aim to offer a perspective when dealing with some of our everyday struggles and are meant to be used in conjunction with any existing mental health treatment. It is always recommended to seek the assistance of a professional to obtain advice for your individual mental health journey.
The perspective offered in this article is targeted at what is under our control. Often, we blame external circumstances for our stress and burnout. Unrealistic expectations, a demanding boss, difficult colleagues, unreasonable workloads...and the list goes on. It is important to note that although there are certain areas beyond our control, most of our stress and eventual burnout comes from within. It is our perception of what is happening around us that leads down the path that we don't want to go.
So... let’s take a deeper dive into stress and burnout.
According to the Canadian Mental Health Association, "Stress is a reaction to a situation—it isn’t about the actual situation. We usually feel stressed when we think that the demands of the situation are greater than our resources to deal with that situation." Since we react based on our perception, stress is based on how we perceive a situation. (2) This perception creates physiological responses in the body to prepare itself for the perceived "threat", known as "Fight or Flight"...an elevated heart rate and secretion of adrenaline. With increased adrenaline, additional changes created in the body include decreased digestion, increased sweating and increased pulse and blood pressure. Once the perceived "threat" is over, the body returns to a balanced state. (3)
As burnout "is a state of emotional, physical and mental exhaustion caused by excessive and prolonged stress", this translates to your body being in a constant state of "Fight or Flight". Therefore, if the perceived "threat" is not removed, the body does not return to a balanced state. The result? The body is depleted as a result of being "on guard" consistently. Physical symptoms then manifest such as exhaustion, headaches, loss of appetite, sleep disruption, brain fog...and the list goes on. The impact of stress and burnout on our lives translates to a decreased quality of life. At times, individuals may start to even withdraw from people and activities that once brought them enjoyment. They feel helpless, alone and frustrated because they are not able to see a way out. (4)
Now that we understand a little more about stress and burnout, let's take a closer look at the idea of perception and how this can affect our stress levels in our everyday life.
First, it is important to be aware of what we are telling ourselves. It is suggested that we have over 70,000 thoughts in a day. There is a proportion of these thoughts dealing with our self-talk. Unfortunately, much of our self-talk is negative. This negative self-talk reinforces previous thoughts and/or beliefs as part of our conditioning over the course of our lives and leads to stress and possibly burnout. In essence, we are sabotaging ourselves.
Three ways that we may be self-sabotaging are:
Beating ourselves up
Putting ourselves last
Trying to be perfect
Beating Ourselves Up
How exactly do we do this? The main indicator of this saboteur is having a lot of "shoulds" in our dialogue. “I should be a better parent. I should have completed everything on my To Do list. I should know how to do this report. I should have delivered the presentation more articulately.” When our inner dialogue involves a lot of "shoulds", there is a perception that we have done something wrong. In turn, we start to believe that there is something wrong with us. We start believing that we're not good enough. When this belief becomes ingrained, the brain automatically searches for more evidence of this to support our belief. As a result, we have more things to beat ourselves up about.
Often the reason why we are doing this to ourselves is counterintuitive. We think that by beating ourselves up, it will motivate us to do better, to be better. We think that this sort of punishment will teach us some sort of lesson that will actually help us. In fact, it has the opposite effect. The more we subject ourselves to this type of self-talk, the more our self-confidence is decreased. We second guess our decisions and in turn, the more "shoulds" keep coming.
Awareness is the first step in combatting this conditioned dialogue. Once you are aware, you can get curious about your "should" statements. Are they true? What else could be true here? How can you be kind to yourself in this situation? Questioning yourself provides an opportunity to step back from the situation and look at it differently. Once awareness is gained, it is about changing your dialogue. What if there was a slight change in the language to yourself? What if you said instead...I could be a better parent. I could have completed everything on my To Do list. I could know how to do this report. I could have delivered the presentation more articulately. Rewording these statements with "could" puts back choice in the equation. This translates to you deciding on what you want to change. This puts you back in control.
Putting Ourselves Last
We put ourselves last by discounting ourselves and our priorities. We think that everyone else's needs are more important than our own and as a result, we put their needs ahead of ours. This shows up in various ways in our lives. We don't keep commitments to ourselves in our calendars. We postpone our own work to later in the day, or even on weekends to deal with someone else's priorities. We put work ahead of our own health.
The most common reason? We are people-pleasing. We don't like conflict and don't want anyone to be upset with us. In addition, we are seeking validation from others. We want to be liked. We want to be seen as intelligent and capable. Often, not only are we seeking validation, but we are also seeking recognition for our efforts. However, when we seek validation or recognition from external sources, we don't consider our own opinions of ourselves. We depend on others to determine our worth. The consequence? Low self-esteem and self-confidence.
Again, awareness is effective in dealing with the conditioned practice. What makes others so much more serving than you are? If everyone is worthy, then what? If your priorities are just as important, or more important, how would your behaviour change? Once you have constructively assessed the situation, then boundary-setting may be necessary. Often, people think that setting boundaries will push others away. Simply stated, a boundary is a request and a consequence. If the request is violated, there is a consequence. Consider the situation of trespassing. There is a sign that defines the request of "No Trespassing" and there is a consequence of a fine, for example. The violation of the request of "No Trespassing” is the fine. Note, that enforcement is key. If there is no fine after the violation, then there is no consequence. What if setting boundaries was a protection of your personal space? You can see that a violation of boundaries needs consequences. If there is no consequence, then a boundary is meaningless.
Trying to Be Perfect
Perfectionism shows up in our lives in various ways. Whether it is saying all the right things in a presentation, creating an infallible report or drafting that perfect e-mail, we have the tendency to aim for perfection. The aim, in itself, is not the problem. We can all strive for perfection to evolve. It is when we make it mean that there is something wrong with us, that is where the problem lies.
What does perfectionism look like? We overanalyze, ruminate, second-guess ourselves and procrastinate. We spend so much time and energy on these activities which keeps us stuck. So, what happens? We don't get things done on time or maybe, in the case of our goals, we don't get them done at all. At the heart of perfectionism is fear. Fear of failure, fear of rejection, fear of disappointment, etc. It is the fear of feeling a negative emotion. The fear of feeling a negative emotion is blown out of proportion so much so that we avoid negative emotions at all costs. This is where distracting activities come in. We don't want to feel negative emotions, so we distract ourselves, so we don't have to experience the feeling.
To deal with perfectionism, getting to the root of the fear is important. What are you afraid of? Then, play out the worst-case scenario in your mind. Go as far as you can take it. Now, examine this worst-case scenario. Is it all that bad? Is it even true? Could you make decisions along the way that would prevent it from happening? When we question our worst-case scenarios, it reveals the situation in a different light. Then ask yourself, “If I wasn't afraid, how would I show up?”
Another approach to managing perfectionism is setting a standard against which you measure your activities. Perfectionism is an unlimited bar that you can never evaluate your actions against objectively. It is a losing situation. Establishing a standard by which you measure your actions provides a tangible goal and a definition of what you want to achieve. When a measurable goal is defined, it is much easier to discern required actions. One key aspect to keep in mind is that if the goal is not achieved, it does not mean anything about you. It's about how the actions can be adapted or changed to achieve the desired goal. Think of it as an experiment. You have a desired expectation. You create a hypothesis regarding how that expectation may be realized. Then, you test it. You can be the scientist of your own life!
Overcoming self-sabotage is about becoming aware of your thoughts, questioning your past programming, and deciding how you want to think instead. If you think thoughts that are not serving you, you will create results that you don't want in your life. “Control your thoughts and everything will be under your control.”
― Debasish Mridha
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